Pleasure

When you ask for help, the universe will find a way to respond to your needs. Now I thought this was a load of mystical bullshit, and while a part of me still doubts in that philosophy I decided to ask for a helping hand and see what I’d get in return.

Strangely enough help did come. Williamson said in her book that it wouldn’t necessarily come explicitly, you just have to listen for it. The help that came took form of a poem my brother sent me, the right chapter of the right book at the right time, a quote from a movie, stories of strangers. The thing is you can’t be looking for something you’ll just hear it and you’ll know that you could either chose to accept this as a lesson or just let the experience pass.

I was just watching little miss sunshine and Steve Carrel talks about Proust who remembering his life realized that it was through suffering that he learned the most. Last night I was telling L that I hated suffering; it was a noose around my neck I just wanted to rip off! But Instead it thinking of it as ripping it off, I could maybe imagine myself slowly untying the note and learning something new every time i loosen the tie…

Two nights ago I dreamt that I gained a lot of weight, i looked at myself in the mirror and just gave up. I no longer wanted to fight, i no longer cared, i had resolved myself to forever remain this way. As i was stuffing away my fear of failure L popped me a message on whatsapp. I got very excited, we hadn't talked in a few days and she is definitely the person i go to when i'm in the dumps. Lana asked me "When was the last time you did something fro the pleasure of it? Not for self progress, being productive, achieving something else. Would you believe me if i said i don't remember many of my favourite activities have turned into something that has to be accomplished instead of a pleasurable relaxing hobby. I loved reading, now I'm racing against time to read as much as I can before some imaginary deadline. Running was my escape, it is now daily chore set to me by a non-existant lieutenant. I loved food. you might think this is ironic considering that is the struggle I am fighting against. I loved it with respect, I use to enjoy every bite that went to my mouth, savoured it, friends used to tell me I made them hungry when  ate. every meal was sacred. Now i eat like it's something I must get done. There is nothing that is fun, and that is why I am unable to achieve this. I am bored with everything I am doing because I see it all as homework. In Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance  Prisig says that we get impatient because we don't wanna be doing something, so when we're bored. I am bored of this struggle, I am bored of dieting, I am bored of having to exercise, I am bored of life basically. Nothing is fun anymore, and if it is my mind says  shouldn't be doing it. But it's not boring like math is boring (to me at least) I simply don't like math. But I loved those other things but have made myself hate them because I ripped the pleasure out of them by adding a deadline, mandatory daily accomplishments and total disregard with what I wanted...While I know that I am in this slump, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how I got into it and I sure as hell don't know how to get out of it.

Perfect chapter at the perfect time! I believe that for the last week I have been ranting about how exhausted I have been, on the run, unable to take a breath and clear my head. Now while I was outwardly complaining, on the inside my ego kept saying “you’re not exhausted you’re 23, a runner, a yogi a traveler a hard worker…you better not be tired or confused, just keep going” but not in an encouraging way, in an army commander sort of way. I have been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance as well and at one point he argues that the more we push for the something, the more desperate we are to prove its truth to the world, the less we are convinced of it on the inside. I’m quite sure that is what I have been going through. My need to prove to the world that I could handle living in Palestine, that I am an athlete, a hard worker, super energetic…has lead me to ignore, no worse, deny, what I have been feeling. Tired, angry, frustrated, confused, withdrawn, un-confident, annoyed, tense, guilt…while I feel them I do not want to feel the. Instead of  doing the healthy thing and accepting it, I reject them and that must cause the poison she talks about all the time.

So here is my vow that I will just accept how I’ve been feeling and we’ll see where that takes me…

I apologize for my disappearance over the last few days. We lost internet at the house and I have been running around none stop! As the only Arabic speaker at the organization I have to go around with anyone that might need a translator. So between my job at the private school, NGO tasks and gymming, I have barely anytime for myself, let alone reading the book, doing the exercises and writing.

Living on the run is overwhelming! The rain started up, so my usual meditation spots: the roof, is now out of the question. Our house is constantly packed, so no chance of getting peace and quiet there. That is really getting to me. I liked meditating a lot. As someone that’s always on the run, whose brain is incessantly buzzing, those 10 minutes were worth a million dollars to me, alas I will have to make do with the rare quiet hours I will spontaneously get. That being said, I agree with you L, let’s take our time with these exercises, as the point of them is also to develop patience and I feel like I have been zooming through them.

Also her last exercise I could have greatly benefited from. It was to write down in the morning and at night before we went to bed:

A)   Our thoughts

B)   Forgive ourselves

C)   Our dreams

I started doing it this morning but got interrupted by work. Although I generally think of myself as someone that keeps track of their thought patterns and gets in touch with themself, and was only able to write a few lines, I was surprised when looking back at my thoughts in retrospect, that I am very critical of myself and it is very hard for me to say anything positive or pat myself on the back. Also, since my brain is on overdrive, anything going through it is fleeting I can barely grasp it. Therefore taking the time to sit and forgive myself for all the things I so gladly called myself out on and taking the time to listen to my dreams and what I want would do me a world of good since I cannot remember the last time I listened to myself and to what I really wished for. I seem to constantly be doing what I think I need to be, what would be most productive. I have forgotten how to just chill!

Now I must respond to a few things you mention L. Indeed, on Friday night I binge ate. L so graciously commented on my post, which helped me see things with a much clearer perspective. I was approaching this exercise the same way I approach everything else. “You better do it right!” said the voice in my head, forgetting that some of the most brilliant experiments and achievements in the world met their fair share of set backs, mistakes and accidents. The important is to start the following day fresh, accepting that the day before was not you at your best and move on. Dwelling in the past will only make it worse. Your post helped me see that it wasn’t all black and white, I didn’t have to eat perfectly or extremely badly on a given day, which is how I’ve been doing it. If I so much as put one wrong thing in my body, I think that’s it done, you failed, let’s stuff down the guilt with lots of peanut butter! I’m slowly accepting that things cannot go perfectly and exactly as I planned it every single day and it is not a failure if it didn’t.

Thus we come to the point of surrender. As you mentioned L, I am a perfectionist. It’s hard from me to surrender because I like to plan almost every minute of my day and draw out expectations for how events will turn down. The problem with living in Palestine is that shit seldom goes the way you planned it would or wanted it too. When it doesn’t, I internally begin to boil.

Therefore, at this point I am taking the step before surrender, which is accepting that I cannot be in control of everything!

When will the bad days end!

I have felt pretty low for the past couple of days. Like I’m waking around like a zombie. I don’t know if it’s hormones, homesickness, loneliness or these exercises that have you digging pretty deep. I rarely cry, and it seems as though that’s all I’ve wanted to do for the last few days. L, you said you were feeling the same when I texted you today, so I’m thinking that this has something to do with our project. But I don’t get why does this happen? Aren’t we supposed to be feeling more positive and open? Shouldn’t figuring things out and releasing the anger make you happier? Instead of opening up, it’s like I’m disconnecting with everyone around me. I already have a bundle of frustrations, I don’t think I can handle another! Perhaps this is where most people give up, when they hit this low. I was sooo positive at the start! Like I owned this, but now…I don’t know. Pooped would be the most accurate description.

Was it Yung, who believed that our lows are where we can bring out the best of us, find the light? I am hoping that’s the case!

Today’s assignment I had to write a diary for the day in this order:

-Breakfast

-Morning activity

-Lunch

-Afternoon activity

-Dinner

-Nighttime activity

We had to write in detail about it, the feelings we would put into it all, the divine respect we would grant it, the fears we would fight. I did all that. While I stuck to most of it, respected my breakfast, did what I planned on doing in the afternoon…that divine being was not there. I felt lost, frustrated, and angry and I don’t even know where all these emotions are coming from! Now I’m crossing my fingers I will not give up tonight. I already caved and had candy and chocolate. Not much but I do have a crazy urge to stuff my face with a lot of peanut butter! Oh Snap just had a cookie and I might just reach for another!

After days of what I think of as useless exercises, we finally got to something that I found much more helpful. Today we had to look back on our relationship with food and body image and write about it in chronological order.

I realized that I do not remember a time when I did not have body issues. I started gaining weight at a young age, something that my parents take full responsibility for. However, what they don’t seem to realize that they’re reaction to it only made it worse. They pointed it out to me regularly; made comments as to the amounts I was eating and made eyes at me when I went for seconds. As I’ve said before, being so self-conscious about my weight prevented me from ever reaching a truly worrisome point, it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, and being compared to friends made me feel like they were better than me. To this day I see where and how my friends out shine me and feel a pang of jealousy when my mom compliments them. I finally faced the fact that it makes me feel like she wants me to be more like them, and I will not be worthy unless I behave that way.  I feel ridiculous and ashamed that at 23 I still suffer from neurosis we generally attribute to pubescent kids!

What I don’t understand is that if being heavier made me feel less loved, why wouldn’t I do what it takes to get loved? Perhaps it was fear that making that effort and not getting the results I wanted, namely my parents’ approval and the opposite sexes’ attention that my friends got so I sabotaged all the effort I had made when I tried to lose weight.

When I reached that ideal weight a few years ago, I got that approval wow affect I wanted from my mom. So I became crazy determined to keep it off. However, I still could not let go of that idea that my friends were more attractive than I am, that I had to keep trying to be more like them. It didn’t help that all my friends were in couples and I was always friendzoned. After my 2010 breakdown, I realized that I lost that will to fight because I no longer knew what I was fighting for. I wasn’t doing well in school, I suffered my first “heart break”, I was confused and I just let go. Letting go made it worse because I hated myself for giving up. That what am I fighting for question ran deep. I wasn’t getting boys, I’m a failure why should I even try because I won’t get what I want. Basically a never ending cycle. I actually don’t know what I just ranted about…sorry if it’s confusing. I think I just needed to talk about this a little more than a few notes on my iphone’s notepad!

A new level was passed today. I resisted fries! No resisted is not the right word because that implies that there was a struggle. We got a plate to share, I had 4 small ones, and that was all, I knew on my own that I didn’t want them, I didn’t even feel like I was missing out when I saw them smothering these crispy sticks in ketchup! To many that isn’t much, to me, after a year of inability to resist anything edible, that was prize worthy! Crossing my fingers that I can carry this on! That I strong enough to keep going!