I apologize for my disappearance over the last few days. We lost internet at the house and I have been running around none stop! As the only Arabic speaker at the organization I have to go around with anyone that might need a translator. So between my job at the private school, NGO tasks and gymming, I have barely anytime for myself, let alone reading the book, doing the exercises and writing.

Living on the run is overwhelming! The rain started up, so my usual meditation spots: the roof, is now out of the question. Our house is constantly packed, so no chance of getting peace and quiet there. That is really getting to me. I liked meditating a lot. As someone that’s always on the run, whose brain is incessantly buzzing, those 10 minutes were worth a million dollars to me, alas I will have to make do with the rare quiet hours I will spontaneously get. That being said, I agree with you L, let’s take our time with these exercises, as the point of them is also to develop patience and I feel like I have been zooming through them.

Also her last exercise I could have greatly benefited from. It was to write down in the morning and at night before we went to bed:

A)   Our thoughts

B)   Forgive ourselves

C)   Our dreams

I started doing it this morning but got interrupted by work. Although I generally think of myself as someone that keeps track of their thought patterns and gets in touch with themself, and was only able to write a few lines, I was surprised when looking back at my thoughts in retrospect, that I am very critical of myself and it is very hard for me to say anything positive or pat myself on the back. Also, since my brain is on overdrive, anything going through it is fleeting I can barely grasp it. Therefore taking the time to sit and forgive myself for all the things I so gladly called myself out on and taking the time to listen to my dreams and what I want would do me a world of good since I cannot remember the last time I listened to myself and to what I really wished for. I seem to constantly be doing what I think I need to be, what would be most productive. I have forgotten how to just chill!

Now I must respond to a few things you mention L. Indeed, on Friday night I binge ate. L so graciously commented on my post, which helped me see things with a much clearer perspective. I was approaching this exercise the same way I approach everything else. “You better do it right!” said the voice in my head, forgetting that some of the most brilliant experiments and achievements in the world met their fair share of set backs, mistakes and accidents. The important is to start the following day fresh, accepting that the day before was not you at your best and move on. Dwelling in the past will only make it worse. Your post helped me see that it wasn’t all black and white, I didn’t have to eat perfectly or extremely badly on a given day, which is how I’ve been doing it. If I so much as put one wrong thing in my body, I think that’s it done, you failed, let’s stuff down the guilt with lots of peanut butter! I’m slowly accepting that things cannot go perfectly and exactly as I planned it every single day and it is not a failure if it didn’t.

Thus we come to the point of surrender. As you mentioned L, I am a perfectionist. It’s hard from me to surrender because I like to plan almost every minute of my day and draw out expectations for how events will turn down. The problem with living in Palestine is that shit seldom goes the way you planned it would or wanted it too. When it doesn’t, I internally begin to boil.

Therefore, at this point I am taking the step before surrender, which is accepting that I cannot be in control of everything!