Patience is a virtue

I am ashamed to admit, I binged yesterday. I don’t know why. All day long i resisted, I felt like I wanted some greasy, calorific, sugary food. Two hours before I went to bed I caved! Tablespoons of peanut butter and Nutella, handfuls of cereal, chocolate, I just wanted it. I would like to say that I was exhausted, my body was legitimately crying to get into bed, but I think I had hit a point of frustration where I have been working out like crazy and keeping track of every bite going into my mouth and I had just reached a point where I was physically and emotionally drained. Marrian talks about that a lot in her book, where fear kicks in and it starts to whisper “your double 0 jeans that are waiting for you in your suitcase, you won’t fit in there anymore forget it! That will power you had after your freshmen 15 (well my case was 22), when you lost all that weight and more and worked so hard to keep it off, yeah you lost that. You were stronger then you suck now, just go look in the mirror, you let yourself go, it’s OVER!”. Although I started reading the book just a week ago and working on her exercises, I have been struggling with taking of this regained weight for a while now. I started gaining it winter 2010, just a little, then I lost it again and I wanna say fall 2011 I lost the reigns and it just kept going up. I’d lose a little then gain more, lose a little then gain more. That process has been repeating itself for almost a year now. A Course in Weight Loss was supposed to be my savior. And yesterday I felt as though I was gonna throw it out the window. But L you helped! God bless instant messaging! You said, “There are gonna be setbacks! Don’t be so hard on yourself” and I think that was the main thing this course is trying to teach: patience and forgiveness towards one’s self. Two things I lack. In a lot of ways her book has helped me become more patient, but self-forgiveness is a hard thing for me to do. I have a tendency to feel guilty about the stupidest things and will jump on any opportunity to self-criticize.

While her last few exercises have not worked out for me as they require things my livings situations does not permit, I have been trying to figure out means of adaptation. The latter, is a challenge for. As a perfectionist, I like to do things like they’re suppose to be done, and as a control freak, the slightest change in my meticulous plans cause intense amounts of stress. So today instead of buying oil and taking my time to moisturize then relaxing in a robe (which I would have loved to do!) due to my lack of privacy, I chose to take a little more time with my poste shower routine. Williamson talks about beauty and how it was something that human beings always looked for but we now either forget about taking the time to make ourselves feel more beautiful due to other priorities, or we do not wish to give in to “modern advertising”. Truth is though; feeling good makes you strive to stay that way. When I lost my freshmen 22, I worshipped my post shower routine, and made sure I felt beautiful and sexy all the time. It always kept me motivated and strive to achieve better.  So while I cannot do what she asked of me, I can take a little more time everyday to make sure I feel good about myself, a little pampering will go a long way. Also just simply not living like I’m on the run all the time. I’m constantly rushing! That is causing me to live under pressure and in a mode of stress, which I just now realize cannot be helping! That’s what I’ve particularly enjoyed about working through this book. It’s helping me keep track of my emotions, and slowly figure out which one’s are harmful and what’s helpful. What I’ve enjoyed even more is the meditation. For ages I have tried to make meditation a part of my daily routine and this has forced me to take 10 minutes out of my day to do so, as well as given me something to follow as I sit in silence.

My friend gave me a necklace for my grad, a necklace with a baby shoe on it. The meaning: baby steps…

“If more of us valued food and cheer above hoarded gold, it would be a much merrier world.” Tolkiens

The last couple for exercises Williamson gave us to do I couldn’t really get to. Create a divine space kind of work out because I got lucky and received a bed that had a built in shelf system and I organized it my own way and made it my space. However, the exercise after was to buy myself a new dining set including: a napkin, new plate, cutlery and cup. While I would love to do that, I am working as a volunteer in Palestine and therefore do not have the money to splurge on plates. And anyways there is not personal space for people to leave their stuff in the kitchen and stuff breaks all the time, so yeah as I was saying…not doable. But what I am trying to do is to respect my food. I noticed that recently I lost the grace with which I used to eat, the sanctity I used to give my food, the event I made of every meal. Whether it was breakfast, lunch, dinner, a home cooked meal or take out I always put a place mat out, put it on a plate and savored every bite.

Recently I have been inhaling my food, taking the second bite before I have even swallowed the first. I used to know when I wanted or didn’t want something. Now it’s like I constantly fiend for food, “just fill me up will you” my stomach calls out to me all the time! So this is my challenge for this wee. Treat every meal like I am dinning with royalty, or even better, like Brad Pitt is sitting across from and I need to seduce the hell outta him. Also, to stop trying to please everybody. I used to eat just because a friend was eating something and I felt lame saying no. So now I will hold my ground!

What about you L? Have you created a "spot", bought new plates and silverware?

Ask for help

As I am reading Marian’s book I am also reading Modern Man in Search if a Soul by Carl Yung. At one point he mentions how strange metaphysical events occur in bunches. Now that I look back on the past week I see a pattern of chance happenings. Whether its coincidental or the universe is truly answering my pleads, I don’t know. Last week, as I bald my eyes on the phone to my mother about my issues with food she told me to be patient this was not going to happen over night. A habit is formed in 21 days, so for the next 3 weeks make a conscious decision concerning what foods I put in my body, eat slow, listen to my body. Next day, I called you L and I vented again and you propose I read this book, which just so happen to stem over 3 weeks. I have also been needing both a person to go through this with me, as well as wanting a blog to confirm it and here you were wanting just the same! Then yesterday’s exercise, Williamson asked us to create a place in our home that would be our spiritual spot. I was like yeah ok! I live in an apartment with 7 other people in Nablus! I share a small room with 3 girls where I don’t have a bed just a mattress and my closet is set up on a broken bed left in the room! The same day, beds were provided for us and mine had a build in shelf system! I set up all my things the way I wanted, organized, tidy easily accessible, what I’ve been needing. While she asked us to place trinkets in that spot, I can’t really since most of my favorite belongings are in Montreal, but in relation to how I was living and now this is phenomenal! Finally I’ve been needing a wax for ages, a bit of pampering but couldn’t find a place to do that here. Finally as I chatted with a new found friend yesterday, I brought this up and she suggested a spot. Mani pedi and some waxing later I feel fantastic!

As for the most important part, whether or not this journey has been helpful. So far, I have maintained pretty good control over my eating (exercise was never a problem) I have been listening to my body, craving healthier things, my mind has not been consumed with thoughts of food, and I have been dealing with new challenges and overcoming my fears. It could just be a placebo affect; the fact that this is a public challenge and it is my fear of failing that’s what causing. But I am aware enough that new age spirituality should be taken with a grain of salt. Therefor I believe I could say with objectivity that simply accepting certain issues and talking them out with yourself and/or others helps keep you keep straight. If anyone is having the same kind of issues L and I have been, this is a good path to take.

How have you been holding up L any positive changes?

Just one minute!

As I sat in the car on my way to South Hebron Hills (West Bank, Palestine) I read the 2^nd chapter from Marian Williamson’s book A Course in Miracles. I’m not going to lie I was glad it was on my Kobo so that no one would know what I was reading and then slightly blushed when my co-worker peaked over to look at what I was reading. I’ve always been embarrassed to admit that I struggle with my weight. Not that I don’t want to admit how I feel about the way I look, I complain all the time, but I don’t want to admit the inner struggles behind it and embarrassment I feel concerning my inner struggles. Coincidentally, today’s lesson dealt with the side of us that rejects our “fat self”.  She explained that our fat selves appear because we are rejecting some other pain that can only make itself seen through this layer of unwanted fat, so denying the weight is denying the pain.

So her exercise in that chapter was to write a letter to “our fat selves” where we expressed everything we felt towards it and the fat sides response. While I thought this would be a useless exercise. “What do you mean write a letter to me?” was my initial reaction. But as I picked up my phone and started typing on my letter in my notes (I didn’t have a pen and paper) I realized I had so much pent up frustration that wanted a way out. The more I wrote the more things just appeared. My response was even longer; it was my way of forgiving myself and trying to let it go.

L, I agree with you, I don’t know how spiritually awakening these exercises are and whether or not they really do help us deal with these issues. I do believe that having a challenge to resort too definitely keeps me in check, it’s like this book these exercise and this blog is a support system and one that I don’t want to fail. Although, looking at it from that perspective might not be ideal as my fear of failure is one of the things I need to learn to deal with a little better. Also, I think it gives me something to do. I know one of the reasons I binge sometimes is because I feel like I should be doing something but I don’t have anything “responsible” to do. Although I could do something like read or watch a movie, I wont be able to focus because my mind is all focused on eating. Advice that was given to me was to try and meditate or reflect when I felt that need to binge creep up. These exercise allow me to do that before I get to that point which I really do find appeasing, and if I haven’t done it yet then it’s a perfect excuse to self-reflect and do something instead of eat when I’m not actually hungry. And I don’t know bout you L, but I tend to disregard my feelings. Ignore my anxiety and never spare any time to take a minute to just listen to my emotions and what they want to say to me. This in turn prevents me from dealing with them. How did you react to this exercise?

Oh! It also dawned on me that I’ve been talking about what I think about these exercises, I never talked about how my eating has been! It had been my goal before L suggested I read the book and we work on all this together that I wanted to lose 10 pounds. So when L proposed this idea I decided I would work on it simultaneously. So far my 3 days have been pretty good, I avoided seconds, I stopped eating when I wasn’t hungry (which is a big deal for me) and saying no to snacks I don’t actually want but I’m simply craving. It’s also only been 3 days, Anyone can stay motivated for that long, but the knowing I had this challenge to fall back on helped stop me from caving when burgers and fries were staring me in the face today! 19 more days! 

Listen to what it has to say!

I’ve read several of these popular modern self-help meets spirituality type books. While I did find them fun and entertaining, they were no more than a light sitcom to me, a cheesy chick flick if you will. I tended to roll my eyes at half the stuff I read and skipped over the exercises. Since this is a challenge, I decided I would approach it with an open mind and take it more seriously.  So this morning I read my first chapter of A Course in Weight Loss and did the exercise Williamson asked of me. Out of a list of negative emotions, I had to pick the ones that I felt applied to me and write about a time when I felt that way. Once that was done, I had to ask God to take the pain away from me. Like I said, I don’t believe in God. I do, however, believe in some sort of universal divine power that has a hand to play in all occurrences and that there exists within each of us a place where we can connect on a deeper spiritual level to ourselves and to the world. I also believe that our need to mold ourselves into all the things modern society wants us to be in addition to the feelings of guilt caused when we fail to do so are what cause this disconnect between our outer layers and our inner ones. By layers I don’t mean the physical and metaphysical layers of us. More our emotional and mental layers that we are made up off. The top layer is the most rational, the most reserved, the strongest, the protective force. As you go deeper within you are more prone to hurt, but that does not mean weakness, it means you have more ability to feel yet at the same time it is stronger because it is where your power to understand and deal resides. On the other hand, when the outer shell “feels” and is “hurt”, it crumbles and thus we need to call on the inner to make sense of this and come out of it. Our resistance to it, I think, is what tends to lead to neurosis, tic, binging, anger…This was a point where the author and I agreed.

Therefore instead of speaking to God as we know Him, I spoke to the Universe, these cosmic powers that surround us, and to this inner being, this part of me that I had shut out for so long, to help rid me of these mental poisons. I spent over an hour detailing the guilt I felt when thinking of how I let my self go, the moments of shame from my binges, the anger I felt at myself for what I believed were my failures and my lack of will power, but also anger and resentment at my friends. I saw them as part of the cause. To them I was the tiny girl with the big appetite and I couldn’t resist and just say NO!  The un-forgiveness towards the boys I hold accountable for my pain and lack of self-confidence. The unfairness of having to work so hard and struggle for anything I want while other people seem to get it so easy. I asked myself to let go of regret, the past would not change, instead chose to learn from it, chose to find the positive in this negative. Eject that poison! I asked the universe not to take it away, but to meet me half way, help me see the beautiful, the positive, the wisdom I could take from it. It was exhausting! But what do you know?! My mother called me less than an hour ago to talk to me about one of my tumblr blog posts. I spoke about a woman from the refugee camps here in Nablus (Palestine) who has desperately trying to befriend me. Her life is rough, 11 children, pregnant with twins (one of which is dead in her womb), abusive and jobless husband, all living in a one bedroom apartment. Instead of finding compassion I chose to judge her. I saw her dishonesty and manipulation as she tried to coerce me into buying things for her children. I saw her anger in the way she dealt with and treated her kids. And I saw her self-victimization as she vented about her situation while her kids ran around looking like they grew up in a jungle. My mother scolded me. She told me that I was judging her through the spectacles of anger instead of compassion and because of that I regarded her with disdain and ignored any sense of humanity. If I were to look at this woman’s situation from a different angle, I would find that she is fighting to survive and protect her kids in the only way she knows how and can. This is not the west. Her kids might get bullied even more if she became a single mom. There aren’t day cares and baby sitters. Her parents will not take her in!

One of the words I had chosen on to describe myself with was disdain. While I like to pride myself on being open-minded and accepting, there are moments where I could look down on others whose life choices I don’t believe match up to mine. In regards to this woman, I failed to see that yet again I had done just that.

At first, I was angered by the call. I wanted to tell my mom that she was always looking at what I did critically, if only she would look at it from my perspective, would she stop making me feel guilty all the time. But then I realized that she was proud of my work, who I am and what I do. However, she was looking at this situation from a place of love while I looked at it from a place of anger and fear. A place where I did not want this woman to depend on me, where I was so afraid that I would feel pain by her situation, get attached and stepping out of my comfort zone to spend time with her and her kids that I chose to see her as a lousy mother and conniving bitch. In other words disdain.

Tonight, I have to do a meditation exercise; I’ll let you know what I got from that tomorrow

Today’s events might be  a complete coincidence, but I chose to ask for help and open up my heart and a hand was handed to me. All I had to do was crack a whole in the wall and listen! Obviously my issues aren’t solved, but it’s fun to think that there is some power willing to work with you