I am ashamed to admit, I binged yesterday. I don’t know why.
All day long i resisted, I felt like I wanted some greasy, calorific, sugary
food. Two hours before I went to bed I caved! Tablespoons of peanut butter and
Nutella, handfuls of cereal, chocolate, I just wanted it. I would like to say
that I was exhausted, my body was legitimately crying to get into bed, but I
think I had hit a point of frustration where I have been working out like crazy
and keeping track of every bite going into my mouth and I had just reached a
point where I was physically and emotionally drained. Marrian talks about that
a lot in her book, where fear kicks in and it starts to whisper “your double 0
jeans that are waiting for you in your suitcase, you won’t fit in there anymore
forget it! That will power you had after your freshmen 15 (well my case was
22), when you lost all that weight and more and worked so hard to keep it off,
yeah you lost that. You were stronger then you suck now, just go look in the
mirror, you let yourself go, it’s OVER!”. Although I started reading the book
just a week ago and working on her exercises, I have been struggling with
taking of this regained weight for a while now. I started gaining it winter
2010, just a little, then I lost it again and I wanna say fall 2011 I lost the
reigns and it just kept going up. I’d lose a little then gain more, lose a
little then gain more. That process has been repeating itself for almost a year
now. A Course in Weight Loss was supposed to be my savior. And yesterday
I felt as though I was gonna throw it out the window. But L you helped! God
bless instant messaging! You said, “There are gonna be setbacks! Don’t be so
hard on yourself” and I think that was the main thing this course is trying to
teach: patience and forgiveness towards one’s self. Two things I lack. In a lot
of ways her book has helped me become more patient, but self-forgiveness is a
hard thing for me to do. I have a tendency to feel guilty about the stupidest
things and will jump on any opportunity to self-criticize.
While her last few exercises have not worked out for me as
they require things my livings situations does not permit, I have been trying
to figure out means of adaptation. The latter, is a challenge for. As a
perfectionist, I like to do things like they’re suppose to be done, and as a
control freak, the slightest change in my meticulous plans cause intense
amounts of stress. So today instead of buying oil and taking my time to
moisturize then relaxing in a robe (which I would have loved to do!) due to my
lack of privacy, I chose to take a little more time with my poste shower
routine. Williamson talks about beauty and how it was something that human
beings always looked for but we now either forget about taking the time to make
ourselves feel more beautiful due to other priorities, or we do not wish to
give in to “modern advertising”. Truth is though; feeling good makes you strive
to stay that way. When I lost my freshmen 22, I worshipped my post shower
routine, and made sure I felt beautiful and sexy all the time. It always kept
me motivated and strive to achieve better. So while I cannot do what she asked of me, I
can take a little more time everyday to make sure I feel good about myself, a
little pampering will go a long way. Also just simply not living like I’m on
the run all the time. I’m constantly rushing! That is causing me to live under
pressure and in a mode of stress, which I just now realize cannot be helping! That’s
what I’ve particularly enjoyed about working through this book. It’s helping me
keep track of my emotions, and slowly figure out which one’s are harmful and
what’s helpful. What I’ve enjoyed even more is the meditation. For ages I have
tried to make meditation a part of my daily routine and this has forced me to
take 10 minutes out of my day to do so, as well as given me something to follow
as I sit in silence.
My friend gave me a necklace for my grad, a necklace with a
baby shoe on it. The meaning: baby steps…
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