I have felt pretty low for the past couple of days. Like I’m
waking around like a zombie. I don’t know if it’s hormones, homesickness,
loneliness or these exercises that have you digging pretty deep. I rarely cry,
and it seems as though that’s all I’ve wanted to do for the last few days. L,
you said you were feeling the same when I texted you today, so I’m thinking
that this has something to do with our project. But I don’t get why does this
happen? Aren’t we supposed to be feeling more positive and open? Shouldn’t
figuring things out and releasing the anger make you happier? Instead of
opening up, it’s like I’m disconnecting with everyone around me. I already have
a bundle of frustrations, I don’t think I can handle another! Perhaps this is
where most people give up, when they hit this low. I was sooo positive at the
start! Like I owned this, but now…I don’t know. Pooped would be the most
accurate description.
Was it Yung, who believed that our lows are where we can
bring out the best of us, find the light? I am hoping that’s the case!
Today’s assignment I had to write a diary for the day in
this order:
-Breakfast
-Morning activity
-Lunch
-Afternoon activity
-Dinner
-Nighttime activity
We had to write in detail about it, the feelings we would
put into it all, the divine respect we would grant it, the fears we would
fight. I did all that. While I stuck to most of it, respected my breakfast, did
what I planned on doing in the afternoon…that divine being was not there. I
felt lost, frustrated, and angry and I don’t even know where all these emotions
are coming from! Now I’m crossing my fingers I will not give up tonight. I
already caved and had candy and chocolate. Not much but I do have a crazy urge
to stuff my face with a lot of peanut butter! Oh Snap just had a cookie and I might
just reach for another!
This experience is supposed to make you more positive and open, but I think positive and open people are also entitled to cry when they feel like it! So far, this exercise has asked us to be brutally honest about our struggles, to write down our deepest fears and insecurities, and above all, to ask the question, 'Why am I the way that I am?' It is natural that being this open, and especially exposing your struggles in an online medium such as this one, will cause you to feel vulnerable. Crying is good. It's cathartic. It washes away all the negative and leaves you more open for all the positive feelings that will come flowing in! Haven't you always heard people say 'I feel better' after a good cry?
ReplyDeletePerhaps it would help to look with your mind open at some information on how that fabled creature called the human being reacts to these major life events, and understand yourself as one of these! ie, an entity to whom that information applies.
Instead of trying to push those feelings away, or dissociate yourself from them by saying you can't explain them, -- acknowledge and embrace them. They are your feelings! If you want the cookie, then dammit have the cookie! The ultimate point of all this is not to shed those extra pounds, but to release yourself from this hold that food has over you. Stop seeing every mouthful as a failure on your part, and pleeeese forgive yourself for those indulgences or food will continue to hold power over you!!
I know you well enough to know the perfectionist in you demands that you walk on a straight and narrow path, but you are allowed to stumble and trip every once in a while, as long as we keep our end goal in sight.