Pleasure

When you ask for help, the universe will find a way to respond to your needs. Now I thought this was a load of mystical bullshit, and while a part of me still doubts in that philosophy I decided to ask for a helping hand and see what I’d get in return.

Strangely enough help did come. Williamson said in her book that it wouldn’t necessarily come explicitly, you just have to listen for it. The help that came took form of a poem my brother sent me, the right chapter of the right book at the right time, a quote from a movie, stories of strangers. The thing is you can’t be looking for something you’ll just hear it and you’ll know that you could either chose to accept this as a lesson or just let the experience pass.

I was just watching little miss sunshine and Steve Carrel talks about Proust who remembering his life realized that it was through suffering that he learned the most. Last night I was telling L that I hated suffering; it was a noose around my neck I just wanted to rip off! But Instead it thinking of it as ripping it off, I could maybe imagine myself slowly untying the note and learning something new every time i loosen the tie…

Two nights ago I dreamt that I gained a lot of weight, i looked at myself in the mirror and just gave up. I no longer wanted to fight, i no longer cared, i had resolved myself to forever remain this way. As i was stuffing away my fear of failure L popped me a message on whatsapp. I got very excited, we hadn't talked in a few days and she is definitely the person i go to when i'm in the dumps. Lana asked me "When was the last time you did something fro the pleasure of it? Not for self progress, being productive, achieving something else. Would you believe me if i said i don't remember many of my favourite activities have turned into something that has to be accomplished instead of a pleasurable relaxing hobby. I loved reading, now I'm racing against time to read as much as I can before some imaginary deadline. Running was my escape, it is now daily chore set to me by a non-existant lieutenant. I loved food. you might think this is ironic considering that is the struggle I am fighting against. I loved it with respect, I use to enjoy every bite that went to my mouth, savoured it, friends used to tell me I made them hungry when  ate. every meal was sacred. Now i eat like it's something I must get done. There is nothing that is fun, and that is why I am unable to achieve this. I am bored with everything I am doing because I see it all as homework. In Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance  Prisig says that we get impatient because we don't wanna be doing something, so when we're bored. I am bored of this struggle, I am bored of dieting, I am bored of having to exercise, I am bored of life basically. Nothing is fun anymore, and if it is my mind says  shouldn't be doing it. But it's not boring like math is boring (to me at least) I simply don't like math. But I loved those other things but have made myself hate them because I ripped the pleasure out of them by adding a deadline, mandatory daily accomplishments and total disregard with what I wanted...While I know that I am in this slump, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how I got into it and I sure as hell don't know how to get out of it.